Dear Yena,

(baby yena, this is what i used to call you that made you always look around and smile. you would always smile just hearing my voice, by this i know that as much as i love you, you love me back no less!)

(i am writing this now preparing for the time you would ask me things, by details id trust my memory on that, i hope you can read it when you're older, and by that time spank me just to get even to your mommy, it's alright baby.. i know i deserve it!)

hi my baby!

as i am writing this, my eyes are shedding tears. even crying a river now will not changed what had happened last night. while i know that my tears are not an excuse for being so carefree less careless mother to you, please accept my deepest apology. what happened last night would be the last, this i assure you.

i cannot believe how it happened so fast. i was so careful all the time, and on that fateful split second i saw you on the floor. i will not forgive myself from hearing your wails so loud that it almost struck my heart and soul. i was so hurt seeing you in pain, i spent the night looking at you, quietly sobbing careful not to wake you up, embracing and smelling you.

daddy and mamato was so angry at me and to what happened. but little did they know that i was angrier to myself. i am asking for forgiveness from you, to your dad and to your grandma but most of all i beg forgiveness to God for contemplating suicide right after what happened. i know, it will not change things, but i cannot bear to hear you cry and i be better dead than see you in pain..

baby, i love you so much. know that i will never allow anyone to hurt you and i am so idiot cause i was the one who hurt you that much the first time.

please forgive mommy, and please look back or look around again when you hear me call you.. 'baby'

love you 'til my lastest breath,
mommy