Tomorrow I will change, And today won't mean a thing

Meridith Brooks Im A Bitch

I hate the world today.
You're so good to me,
I know but I can't change.
Tried to tell you,
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath,
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried.
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side,
I can understand how you'd be so confused,
I don't envy you.
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

[Chorus:]
I'm a bitch,
I'm a lover,
I'm a child,
I'm a mother,
I'm a sinner,
I'm a saint,
and I do not feel ashamed.
I'm your hell, I'm your dream,
I'm nothing in between.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.

So take me as I am,
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man.
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous,
And I'm going to extremes:
Tomorrow I will change, And today won't mean a thing

[Repeat Chorus]

Just when you think you've got me figured out,
The season's already changin'.
I think it's cool you do what you do
And don't try to save me.

[Repeat Chorus]

I'm a bitch,
I'm a tease,
I'm a goddess on my knees.
When you hurt,
When you suffer,
I'm your angel undercover.
I've been numb,
I'm revived,
Can't say I'm not alive,
You know I wouldn't want it any other way.

This will continue t0 play on my computer for as long as i like. This is what i feel for dayssss now!

missing piece

for the first time ever since the day we became a couple, hubby will be away from me and yena for a night. tonight is hubby's company christmas party at tagaytay and they will spend one night at their big boss' house.

tonight would be the saddest for the month of december, coldest for the year. i am going to spend my night thinking of him, smelling our pillows that would remind me of him, hugging myself tight as if he's embracing me, talking to myself whispering iloveu as if he's tucking me to bed to sleep and putting yena down to sleep all by myself careful not to let her feel dad is not present for a night.

i am torturing myself intially now to make me feel frozen coz for tonight i will be numb. tonight will be a struggle to try myself to sleep the faster i could, but i have to! tomorrow will be a day to finally be with my missing piece! i will never be a puzzle solve without him.

alone

i dont celebrate my birthday bigtime. though for the past 26 years of my life i have my mother cooked me my favorite pancit but that was it. i dont spend much on my past birthdays, i am not into parties- i cannot afford. i buy myself gift that i can afford. for the past 5 years as an employee, i got to be surprised on my pre birthday.. that is something i love most before taking my birthday leave.

last year, my first birthday with husband in my life, i knew it would be big because he did all the cooking for my less than ten close friends who slept over and spent their time on my special day.. it was lovely, memorably beautiful for me.

this time, i was planning of going back to tagaytay, now that we have our yena. was planning of bringing our nephews and nieces all along.. our god mother being my fairy god mother promise her share.. on sunday, we will be celebrating my birthday at picnic grove with my daughter and lots of kids. i started dreaming how much fun it would be.


but then last night, hubby told me to call it off! there are lots of valid reasons he said - i understood BUT i got so emotional - my mood swung to farthest and i become the coldest from then until today.

i dont ask for parties.. for flowers.. for expensive gifts.. all i asked is a day in tagaytay with yena and the kids coz that would be happiest for me - but for whatever you said so! so be it.

i think i will just be spending my birthday alone.

Dear Yena,

(baby yena, this is what i used to call you that made you always look around and smile. you would always smile just hearing my voice, by this i know that as much as i love you, you love me back no less!)

(i am writing this now preparing for the time you would ask me things, by details id trust my memory on that, i hope you can read it when you're older, and by that time spank me just to get even to your mommy, it's alright baby.. i know i deserve it!)

hi my baby!

as i am writing this, my eyes are shedding tears. even crying a river now will not changed what had happened last night. while i know that my tears are not an excuse for being so carefree less careless mother to you, please accept my deepest apology. what happened last night would be the last, this i assure you.

i cannot believe how it happened so fast. i was so careful all the time, and on that fateful split second i saw you on the floor. i will not forgive myself from hearing your wails so loud that it almost struck my heart and soul. i was so hurt seeing you in pain, i spent the night looking at you, quietly sobbing careful not to wake you up, embracing and smelling you.

daddy and mamato was so angry at me and to what happened. but little did they know that i was angrier to myself. i am asking for forgiveness from you, to your dad and to your grandma but most of all i beg forgiveness to God for contemplating suicide right after what happened. i know, it will not change things, but i cannot bear to hear you cry and i be better dead than see you in pain..

baby, i love you so much. know that i will never allow anyone to hurt you and i am so idiot cause i was the one who hurt you that much the first time.

please forgive mommy, and please look back or look around again when you hear me call you.. 'baby'

love you 'til my lastest breath,
mommy

Colds and Flu please go away!

nakaleave ako kahapon dinala ko yena sa pedia. so sad, she is really sick. 7 days ang gamutan niya.

and because hubby and i had to work last saturday, nung gabi na lang namen nalaman na may sipon na pala siya..

come sunday nagpunta pa kami ng laguna and dahil tigas ulo kaming mag asawa, pinagswimsuit pa namen siya at pinagswimming ng mga 10 minutes, thinking na she was enjoying the warm water.

i got the time to take my leave thursday na dahil sa rush na trabaho from monday, buti na lang heaven sent ang boss ko at pinayagan akong magleave for yena. im sad kasi umabot pa ng ilang araw bago ko siya napacheckup. i feel like a bad mom..

kanina, tulad ng mga nagdaaang madaling araw puyat kaming mag asawa, pati na rin si mother in law. iyak siya ng iyak na parang may masakit.. nakakaiyak kasi di mo alam ang gagawin to calm her, nakakakonsensya kasi kami ang may kagagawan kung baket umabot pa sa ganun ang sitwasyon.

i learned my lesson now. next time talaga i'll bring her to the doctor at once, no second thought on that. ayoko na mahirapan siya ng ganito ulit.

alam ko na kung baket sinasabi ng mga magulang na ipasa sa kanila ang nararamdamang sakit ng anak.. seeing your child in pain is twice you feel. worst is that yena is just turning 6 months and doesnt communicate what really is painful to her..

with the doctor's prescription of antibiotic, hope that bad colds and uninvited flu go away!

Bye Breastfeeding

Im so consumed with guilt, everytime i have to pull out a bottle to feed Yena. Moms I'm with all breastfeed exclusively. My cousin with her 6-months-old baby boy and my sister on my 9-months-old nephew.

I know im not the only mother who would grieve for the loss of nursing through breastfeeding, but it is really a sad thing for me. I am missing my breastfeeding-bonding-moments with Yena, more often now.

I was dreaming of breastfeeding her until she is two years old, but then it will just be a dream. I have to accept the fact that in the four months i breastfeed her i did my best. I know breast milk is not the be-all-end-all - what's more important is loving her all the more each day.. And formula-fed babies are also thriving, nourished, and nurtured.

For now, Bye Breastfeeding! Now i have move on.